I feel so selfish. I keep someone as mine but I cannot give 100% to them but still want them? aren’t they better off without me then? instead of being dragged by chains and padlocks and cuffs not being allowed to fly and roam the earth? isn’t that just not right? isn’t that being terribly selfish?
I might’ve just lost then?
My veins are popping, frothing red of pure rage and anger.
I am actually more than annoyed right now. need to calm the hell down before I break something. apple crumbles.
the side of me that swears all the time is a terrible side. did I use that side to gain support? can’t believe it if I did. I need to change my ways now because I don’t feel right about it any longer. i won’t be able to completely stop but swearing unnecessarily will have to stop.
God is in complete control.
f u c k i n g annoyance. Keep your negative sphere to yourself.
fuck off you negative fuck.
what is this I feel? something I’ve never felt before? something so new, so sweet so elegant and delicate that I cannot put a finger as to what on earth it is. The thing is, I am afraid of it. It had the potential to absolutely kill me yet I love it so much because it’s a dimension of emotion that is unparalleled to any other.
and oh my goodness. this isn’t the time for this right? yes. what do I do? wait? let people wait? no. I want it to be confirmed but I am ever so scared of commitment to it, almost as if I cannot do it. maybe it’s because of the movies I’ve watched or the people I’ve seen where cheating is so simple and common but I cannot do that. at the same time I feel I have the capacity to.
I think we all do. we all have that choice. but when it comes down to it I can get led by my emotion and not by my head so that’s another reason. I never want to hurt people but I’m so afraid that I will.
even so, last night was amazing. a first time and I doubt it is the last. explosions, and blooming. it was refreshing and I was entranced. in the cab and at home. a sad day made better maybe? yeah.
in the end, I’m still afraid. so many things play on my mind. a leap of faith?
that’s about it then. that’s about it. it has finished. the end of a road. it was curvy, it was smooth at times but for the most part, it was absolutely fantastic. I don’t know what to feel. the best for someone may not always be enjoyable for others but what must happen, will happen. and that’s it. that is about it. that is game over.
now. we pick up. we press down and we persevere. it is time to push on and we have to push on. because the game is going to return. and we will be happy when it does. until then, let’s press on.